After leaving the church where we had been for so long, I began to search for answers to answer all the questions that our experience had left me with. Many of the things that I found were chillingly familiar with what we had just been through. I learned that we were not alone.....
Unfortunately this kind of thing happens, and with the instilling of these new peacemaking programs that encourage peacemaking teams to watch their fellow church members and then to decide whether they feel the watched members need mediation with all of it's legalism, can promote more abuse to grow.
The one thing that kept popping up were characteristics of abuse caused by pastors and many, many people who had been hurt because of what had happened. The one thing that stood out over and over again was legalistic attitudes, not only in abusive churches but cults as well.
Before all of this happened, I had heard of people leaving churches, but it was far off and foreign to me. Surely those people had some major problem or flaw. Little did I know that right under my nose the church of my ancestors was slowly and surely being manipulated into a place of secrets that gives power to those who agreed with the leadership and never questioned deeply. Especially never truly question the pastor even if he is caught involved in something wrong.
When I stood back and looked at all that happened it was almost fascinating to see how abuse can happen; it is also quite disturbing. I learned much, including the following.
According to sociologist Dr. Ronald M. Enroth, "In our homes, in our churches, and in our programs of Christian education, we must strive to cultivate critical, discerning minds if we are to avoid the tragedy of churches that abuse."
He wrote about the common signs or denominators that appear regularly in an abusive situation.
- "There is strong, control-oriented leadership." (don't question me I am the spiritual authority)
- "The use of guilt, fear, and intimidation by the leadership to manipulate members and keep them in line." (if you discuss what you see as something wrong, you are a gossiper, While idle gossip may be wrong, talking about problems amongst one another can help to stop the abuse. A tool that abusers use to keep what they are doing under wraps, is to say that talking to one another is wrong and is gossip. Thus enabling the abuse to continue.)
- "Subjective experience, especially public or group testimonials (sometimes coached), are encouraged and emphasized." (testimonials are great, but they can be used to control someone by unscrupulous leaders)
- "Rules and legalism abound." (Sounds like the legal paper signing at our previous church to keep what was said silent) "Members not following rules established by the leadership (or threatening exposure of the manipulation and abuse) are often dealt with harshly. Ostracism of former members and excommunication of dissenters are common."
Don't push these signs away if you suspect that any of what I have written is true. If any of the above signs are happening at your church look hard at what is happening. Take them to heart and remember them.
