Often when one first encounters church or pastor abuse, you will find that many people will look at you, the abused, as someone who must have done something wrong. Surely it couldn't be one-sided, there has to be a shared blame. Only until someone finds himself/herself in your situation, one of abuse, will one finally understand that it can be one-sided and that because it is done by a pastor, it is just harder to comprehend how it can be.....
The other day I bumped into someone from my former church and while we were talking they mentioned that they knew about what had happened to us, that they understood and had been through the same experience at the same church. While they were speaking they mentioned the word abuse, I found myself taken aback, this word that seemed so foreign was now cemented further: I had thought it, I had used it but to hear them say it now made it so hurtingly real. People who haven't lived through an abuse through a church connection can't understand how it could hurt so badly, but it does. It takes your breath away and leaves you crawling.
A common symptom of abuse is that the person who goes through it might even find themselves questioning themselves as to the realness of it. Even though you were the one who was in the midst of the fire, it just doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense. Because you and most people have very little experience with connivers, it all just seems so very foreign. Listen to the abuser's words, every word, and if you hear something that doesn't ring true hold onto that, for there will be other things that will come along your way of untruths. Remember that is the best thing about telling the truth, you don't have to remember what story you have told as opposed to those who embellish the situations to how they need it to be. In fact once in the beginning of our ordeal, the pastor who started the process told me that it would all come out in the details; I believe he was right, I believe that eventually the truth, the whole truth will indeed come out in the details.
Just remember that you are not alone, and eventually more and more stories will build up and will get out of what has happened, is happening or what is going to happen in that church. Possibly through their mediations services such as Peacemakers or their own in house church mediation services, the truth will get out, for as the peacekeeping teams hear over and over again about what is happening to their brothers and sisters around them, through the peacekeeping process being used, their hearts will start to see things in a different light. They will finally, eventually see out of that tunnel of darkness that has been enabled by this process.
After awhile, people realize that it isn't gossip to discuss the abuse, it is actually for protection of the church rather than the opposite. Secrets kept from anyone are unhealthy. Keeping mum about how abuse was done to you or a family member to protect the church is only going to eventually hurt that precious church, for the procedures will get stronger and hurt more innocents. Keeping upcoming procedures or plans fully unexplained is nothing more than pulling the wool over the congregation. For brothers and sisters in Christ to truly be brothers and sisters, secrets are not the way to accomplish trust and a healthy church. Secrets cannot keep continuing without the toil it takes on a congregation and the leadership who cover the abuse in the name of protecting either the church or the pastor. Eventually leadership who didn't want to see, or chose to believe the pastor even though they had doubts about what he was doing will finally understand the torments that you have lived through. At first they won't get it, but it will come out, eventually it will come out. Not all the peacekeeping teams, councils or what have you will be able to stop the truth. For in the end it is the truth that sets us free.
For signs of abuse click here
